April Fools Edition!


Exposé: 'Studio slaves' brought to light

Kali Boehle-Silva
It's pronounced "bailey"

 

Disconcerting rumors have been circulating regarding the recent disappearance of several studio art majors, some of whom have not been seen for several months.

At this point in the semester, it is fairly common to see bleary-eyed seniors staggering out of the library at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday, muttering “thesis, thesis…” under their breath, but this rash of absent studio art majors was accompanied by whispers that the basement studios of the Art Building, normally used for printmaking and ceramics classes, have been locked 24/7.

Passersby have also reported hearing sounds of welding and landscape painting in the early hours of the morning.

Students enrolled in studio art courses complain that they haven’t been able to use the spaces, and classes have been conducted in hallways and empty storage closets. The Art Department declined to comment on the situation.

Perturbed by the ominous signs of something amiss, I spent spring break searching for an explanation.

After prowling around the Art Building and contacting current studio art majors, I discovered the shocking truth: strapped for cash, the Art Department has resorted to using its majors as “studio slaves.”

Forced to produce art around the clock, these students spoke of paint stains, wrist cramps and overwhelming exhaustion.

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Hannah Schiff
An unidentified student was found slumped over with exhaustion after a long day of enforced art generating.

 

Junior Amanda Applebaum, one of the starving artists, has been using a smart phone to stay connected to the outside world.

She said, “They don’t really feed us much down here, so we’ve resorted to eating still-lifes. They give us all the water we want though. Unfortunately, we’re only allowed to use it to clean our brushes.”

The art community has a long history of confining artists and forcing them to create artwork, a famous example being Michelangelo’s work on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, during which he was not seen for almost four years.

The works produced by the "studio slaves" are being sold by Art Department faculty. Those interested in purchasing works should visit Administrative Assistant Amy Schwartz in the Art Building office.

Contact: kboehles@willamette.edu

 

 

Activism group COOp cages Chicken Fountain

Isabella Guida
The Slow Loris

 

Recent concerns forwarded by Willamette’s newly formed animal rights activism group, Concerned Ovum Operatives (COOp), came to a head over spring break, when the Chicken Fountain, a campus landmark, was put in a cage.

COOp stated that the caging of the chickens was conceptualized as a piece of installation art commenting on the cruelty inflicted upon chickens across America and the world.

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Colby Takeda
Poultry rights activist group COOp has caged the Chicken Fountain to make a statement on the treatment of fowl.

 

In a statement issued early Wednesday morning, junior and President of COOp Kathryn Burns said, “Chickens, as well as all of our feathered friends, are tender and emotive creatures that are nonetheless slaughtered, eaten and exploited every day. We wanted COOp’s first message to Willamette to send a very strong and provocative statement – to ruffle some feathers.”

Additionally, the metals used in constructing the chicken sculpture have come under criticism for not being sourced locally. In response to this, the artists/vandals constructed the cage from materials scavenged within Salem city limits.

The “piece” did not go over easy with the administration or with much of the student body. “The Chicken Fountain is a monument and legend on the Willamette Campus. How can we pour bubbles or dye in the fountain if it is behind bars? This is not art,” junior Anna Reusink said.

Regardless, the administration is scrambling to find a compromise to the allegations regarding Willamette’s insensitive stance on poultry consumption.

Contact: iguida@willamette.edu

 

 

TANDEM: Team Active Natural Environment Minders

Hannah Schiff
Wonder Bread

 

Many Willamette students are familiar with Tandem, the recently founded A capella group that has staged many performances around campus.

What students may be shocked to learn, however, is that Tandem is really TANDEM, or Team Active Natural Environment Minders. Using the music group as a front, TANDEM is actually an organization of environmentally minded students working to clean up our campus.

Senior TANDEM member Paul McKean commented, “If you listen closely to our lyrics you can hear the subliminal environmental messages hidden there. Especially in the songs we sing from bands like Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Passion Pit. We only sing songs by artists who are committed to the environment.”

The group splits its practice hours between preparing songs that push its environmental agenda and cleaning up the campus. Their biggest complaint is the treatment of the Chicken Fountain by students, and junior TANDEM member Amanda Applebaum indicated that the group has aligned with COOp.

Applebaum said that TANDEM members are afraid “people will mistake us for the Planeteers. It’s kind of frustrating, because we’re totally different. We don’t have a green haired blue man in short shorts, for one. Although we do have a pet monkey.”

Applebaum also brought the TANDEM logo to my attention. The bike for two motif cleverly marketed as a representation of both genders in the coed group actually symbolizes the green agenda they support.

Salem community member Piers Rippey said, “I am confused about why something as inoffensive as a campus cleanup crew would need to have a cover operation. I think time they spend practicing songs could be better spent, uh, cleaning up the campus.”

Despite this confusion, TANDEM maintains that acting as an A capella group has increased reception of their message among students.

Contact: hschiff@willamette.edu