April Fools Edition!


Pop sensation Justin Beiber to enroll in the fall

Kendra Schmal
Perez Hilton Wannabe

 

Girls across America were stunned Saturday when teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber revealed that he would be attending Willamette University in fall, 2011.

Bieber, 17, was not available for comment, but representatives acknowledge the excessive influence Bieber seems to have over America’s youth. Bieber “hopes to set the best example he possibly can for his fans,” they said.

No indication has been given as to whether or not Bieber intends to continue pursuing his musical career while attending the University; however, some critics speculate that Bieber may finally be tired of his life as a controversial pop star.

Bieber’s career began in 2008, when videos of the prepubescent singer surfaced on YouTube. Since then, the teen idol’s life as a musician has been rife with controversy.

In 2009, one fan threw a water bottle at Bieber during a concert. Yet Bieber’s biographical concert film, “Never Say Never,” grossed over $30 million the weekend after its release, missing Miley Cyrus’s 2008 concert film by only a narrow margin.

Still, earlier this year, Bieber was briefly forced to flee the country when reporters from The Onion mistook Bieber for 51 year old sex offender Michael Cote.

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Courtesy of photobucket.com
Bieber will join the Willamette student body. Nice.

 

Though Bieber announced his decision to attend the University only recently, it has already sparked controversy on campus. A student group headed by sophomore Alexis Vidal, a devout pastafarian who cultivates sea monkeys in her dorm room, has already begun organizing protests and anti-Bieber campaigns.

“Justin Bieber’s arrival on campus will surely mark the beginning of the end for Willamette University,” Vidal said.

Meanwhile, sophomore Joseph Spring has started gathering followers to help him launch an on-campus fan club in Bieber’s honor. “I just love his hair,” Spring said as he attempted to mimic Bieber’s signature hair flip.

Spring prays three times daily to his life-size cutout of Bieber and said he can’t wait to meet the teen idol and that he hopes they can “eventually become great friends.”

While students on campus prepare themselves for the inevitable war that will follow Bieber’s enrollment, the teenage pop star’s college fans elsewhere mourn the lost opportunity.

“I only wish he had decided to come to my school,” blogger April F. Gold, said. Gold is Bieber’s self-proclaimed “number one fan.”

Gold runs a Web site titled “Baby, Baby, Bieber,” which is dedicated to providing the Internet with various candid photos of Bieber (taken by Gold and her personal throng of committed fans) as well as information regarding the pop star’s food, movie and color preferences.

For others, however, the announcement is of little interest. “Honestly, I think complaints about Bieber are even more tired than complaints about vampires,” junior Katie Lim said.

Lim has a point, one with which Bieber himself seems to agree. “I have become something of a fulcrum upon which the extremes of human emotion pivot,” Bieber said earlier this month. “In the end, however, your obsessive love or hatred of me means nothing in the grand scheme of geological time.”

Regardless of personal feelings towad the star, his arrival on campus will undoubtably be something students will be talking about.

Contact: kschmal@willamette.edu

 

 

Mount Hood’s imminent eruption ends ski season

Emilie Jensen
Burly Mountain Woman

 

For the first time since the mid 1800s, Mt. Hood has shown signs of volcanic activity. Scientists from the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) are studying the volcano’s past eruptive behavior to better understand and anticipate what is currently happening.

Although Mt. Hood is known for being a rather benign mountain nestled within Oregon’s Cascade Range, the last week has seen the mountain jump into action. Since then, the numbers of tremors and streams of pyroclastic flow have increased dramatically.

Last Thursday, the Volcanology and Geological Disaster Mitigation Agency put the area around the mountain on its highest alert status. Head of the agency Colton Darign said that the current level of activity is the highest that has been recorded since the last major eruption in the late 1790s.

“This increase is very, very significant,” Darign said. “I’ve decided to upgrade the level of Mt. Hood activity from a level three to a level four. This is a high alert.”

Darign has asked the government to evacuate residents living on and within a 50-mile radius of the volcano’s summit. All major snow parks, including Mount Hood Meadows, have also been shut down early, ending the ski season for the year.

The agency is working with local administration to aid residents in preparation for the possible effects of eruption.

After the last major blast, leaders of the local surrounding cities collaborated with governments of nearby cities to educate citizens of Mt. Hood’s danger. During its activity, it was one of the West Coast’s more active volcanoes, killing over 45 people and injuring 20 more.

Scientist James Billings said the swelling of the mountain’s slopes is a good indicator of the buildup of high-pressure gas that could result in a major explosion. However, he is even more worried about the increased seismic activity radiating across the Pacific.

It has been over 150 years since even a small eruption has occurred on Mt. Hood. Because of this low activity frequency, the government is often hasty to issue evacuation orders at the first sign of a threat.

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Courtesy of photobucket.com
Mt. Hood may erupt in the near future. We should probably prepare . . .

 

“There are over 50,000 people living within a 50-mile radius of the mountain’s summit, so it is crucial to get as many of these people to safer ground as soon as possible,” Darign said.

Although smoke cloud cover has obscured the view of the mountain’s summit and tremors shake the ground daily, many people living in the area are defying evacuation warnings.

Junior Candice Langenwalter, whose family lives at the base, explained that many people wish to protect their homes against theft.

“There are also some die-hard skiers and snowboarders that are angry about their snow season being cut short,” Langenwalter said. “Many of them are crazy enough to stay on the mountain, even when the ski areas have clearly been declared as unsafe.”

Activity at Mt. Hood has been monitored daily and scientists will continue to do so until tremors subside and the mountain once again falls silent.

Contact: eajensen@willamette.edu

 

 

Urban legend Tufton Beamish to appear at the University

Anna Mencarelli
Legend Stalker

 

Among the many alumni returning to the University in the fall for Alumni Weekend, one former history major remains elusive in the search of the Alumni Relations Office.

Tufton Beamish, an alumnus from the class of 1963, was often described by his classmates as preferring to work out of the limelight to such a degree that to this day, a majority of his graduating class questions his very existence.

Recently, friends of the Beamish family have expressed great concern in the emerging urban legend that claims that Beamish, while searching for room 19 in the basement of Smullin, never returned.

Beamish’s mother, Marilyn Beamish, was very distressed to learn of the fallacy, referring to the numerous letters from Beamish assuring her of his well-being.

“Of course he isn’t lost. As much as he loved history, he never knew quite where he fit in,” Mrs. Beamish said. “So he applied here [at the University] hoping he would learn as much as he could about the world and then experience it. I admit he was a tad shy, but I think that students deserve the chance to meet who that quiet man became and end this hogwash about his disappearance.”

In hopes of dispersing the legend, former classmates, coworkers, family and community members are scourging for additional evidence documenting the experiences of Beamish in the last 30 years.

Thus far, several events have been documented of Beamish’s deeds. After examination of several photographs taken on July 20, 1969 of the mission command center at NASA, one figure blurred into the background resembled the young Beamish celebrating the successful conclusion of the Apollo 11 lunar descent with the flight controllers.

Although the photo is not conclusive, many of the flight controllers in the photograph recall a young man by the surname of Beamish, a recent college graduate, exploring career options in the aeronautics field, and there are even employment records of a T.R. Beamish until 1973.

However, aeronautics were not able to captivate the young graduate, as former coworker April Stulti adamantly recalled Beamish’s involvement with the search and rescue teams in the frantic hours leading up to the eruption of Mount St. Helens in 1980.

“Tufton often volunteered in his time outside of the office. Search and rescue seemed the perfect fit for him because he combined his love for the outdoors and for helping people,” Stulti said.

Although the exact number of rescues Beamish was involved in is still unclear, several survivors of the disaster told reporters of the caring young gentleman who bravely risked his life to save the two young Scottish terriers of an elderly lady not able to return to her cabin prior to the evacuation.

“That young man has a lot of spunk. I don’t know what I would have done without Blitz and Berry. Thank you, Tufton,” the relieved owner Emira Shult said to reporters.

The next decade in Beamish’s life is relatively unknown, except for the numerous letters he sent his mother concerning some of his experiences.

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Courtesy of Frank Miller
Will legend Tufton Beamish attend this year's Alumni Weekend?

 

These letters mention various events in Beamish’s life such as his documentation of the fall of the Berlin Wall, his job as a stunt double in Spielberg’s “E.T.” and participation in the discovery of the mummy from the Bronze Age.

While trekking across the Alps, Beamish belonged to the group of archeologists that aided Professor Konrad Spindler in the identification of what is now known as the “Bronze Age Man.”

Presently, the whereabouts of Beamish are unknown, although one of his former classmates last saw Beamish enjoying retirement with his two favorite hobbies: whittling whistles out of wood and kite making.

“Knowing old Tufton, though, he’s probably up to more in his retirement than when he was working,” an anonymous classmate said. “He really existed and because of that, he’s living proof of the possibilities opened to those exposed to the curriculum of the liberal arts. It’s imperative that we encourage Tufton Beamish to return to campus and share his experiences with the current students.”

Contact: amencare@willamette.edu

 

 

University announces ‘Hipster’ dress code

Hannah Waller
Fact Hunter and Director of Hogwash

 

While a plethora of new policies and administrative changes will inevitably accompany the arrival of the new University president Charlie Sheen, one regulation has already been proposed and approved by ASWU and will become effective immediately.

Citing instances of students who looked like they put too much effort into how they presented themselves, the University’s Regulations Board formulated a set of guidelines designed to take effort and energy away from students’ fashion and lifestyle choices.

“By implementing this dress code, we hope that the students will begin to see the benefits that come from donning the ‘effortless cool’ look,” Regulations Board Co-Chair and self-proclaimed hipster Chester said. “You save so much time by not showering or brushing your hair and wearing the same plaid shirt and skinny jeans for four days in a row. We hope students will use this saved time and money to enjoy more indie rock concerts and drink copious amounts of coffee and PBR.”

Wishing to avoid the “ludicrously mainstream notion of last names,” Chester goes only by a single name.

When asked to comment on how the board came up with the stipulations of the dress code, Chester said, “It was a really obscure process. You’ve probably never heard of it.”

Contact: hwaller@willamette.edu

The complete rules of the code include the following:

1. All footwear must be “old school,” as deemed acceptable by members of the Regulations Board.

2. Jeans must be tight enough so that no more than two centimeters of extra material may be pinched in any given place.

3. Glasses must be worn at all times, even if not required for visual assistance. Rims must be at least one centimeter thick, and ostentatious colors are encouraged.

4. Plaid shirts are strongly encouraged, particularly if grungy and scented like smoke and/or beer.

5. All students will be required to get haircuts, conforming to the androgynous style with asymmetrical side-swept bangs covering one eye. Those whose hair is currently too short for this look will be required to wear slouchy knit hats at all times.

6. No male students will be permitted to shave their facial hair more than once per week.

7. Finally, all students will be placed on a strict diet and exercise program until their body fat compositions are three percent.

 

 

University to implement zombie protection plan

Tom Ehrmann
Sci-Fi Extraordinaire

 

This week, President Obama signed into law a major bill aimed at reforming accreditation standards for higher education. The new standards include, among other things, a requirement that all accredited colleges, private and public, have an emergency defense plan for a zombie outbreak.

The bill states that each college must develop its own unique plan, as each school has its own climate, location and architectural layout.

“I think we can all agree that there is nothing more important than the safety of our loved ones,” Obama said, “and with this new legislation, parents can finally be sure that their offspring are safe from even the most unlikely of threats.”

The University has hired a panel of consultants to help form a zombie-preparedness plan to satisfy the new federal accreditation standards. The panel includes experts in health, defense, survival and fashion such as Dr. Phil, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Tim Gunn.

Notably, the panel also includes self-proclaimed expert in everything and new University President Charlie Sheen who said of his involvement in the panel, “It’s going to be super awesome. This place is lucky to have a consultant like me with my Adonis ancestry and tiger blood. With my help, you’re going to have a WINNING … uh … plan thing.”

The University’s panel is, of course, not the only one of its kind, as nearly every accredited university in America is seeking outside help to form proper defense plans.

Naturally, experts are competitively sought after, and though some schools have been able to arrange highly qualified panels, not every college has been able to hire field-leading experts.

For example, Cornell University’s panel includes Tim Burton and Rob Zombie, whereas Linfield College’s panel is made up of a few “Dawn of the Dead” fan fiction writers and a captured zombie of a former student.

As the panel is newly formed, a complete proposal for a proper zombie defense plan will not be ready for some time, but faculty and students seem optimistic that an effective proposal will be produced soon.

Professor of Undead Studies Ryan McNabb said, “We’re totally screwed. I’ve been pushing for us to have a zombie defense plan for ten years; and now that we’re finally forming one, it somehow figures that everyone would still ignore me. No, you’d all rather have the plan written by a TV psychologist, two movie stars, a fashion designer and a drug addict than an actual expert.”

When asked about the cost of implementing a zombie plan, the panel responded that the zombie defenses will not impact the cost of tuition, but that every student will likely be expected to own a shotgun or crowbar that will be carried with them at all times.

Furthermore, the dress code may be amended to require more zombie outbreak resistant attire, such as armored coveralls and gas masks, hazmat suits or space suits. However, panel member Tim Gunn said he promises that the aforementioned clothing will still “flatter” and that he will “make it work, people.”

Contact: tehrmann@willamette.edu