Emma Innes
Staff writer
By Chrissy Ewald.
The Board of Trustees emerged from their meat suits this week to reveal that they are each three ducks stacked on top of each other. While the news of the ducks being in charge all along comes at no surprise to anyone who has ever walked by the millstream, the public acknowledgement of where the loyalties of all Willamette community members should lie will certainly change things on campus.
“Ever since the first time I walked by the millstream I knew it was really the ducks who were in charge.” said Tom Hanks (‘22). Hanks is disappointed he won’t have much time under the true rule of Willamette’s proper leaders, but is thrilled for all future students who will learn under the ducks.
Professor Clark Kent is equally thrilled to hear the news of the public recognition of the mighty and supreme ducks. “A few faculty have known about this for years, and we’ve been pushing for the ducks to publicly and completely rule the campus. I believe this can only benefit the students and Willamette as a whole. People will come just to teach and attend a college rules by ducks!”
Only one individual seemed unhappy about the ducks being recognized as the rightful leaders of Willamette, Blitz the Bearcat, Willamette’s official mascot. “This is utterly insane” Blitz hissed. “Beforehand when it was only suspected that the ducks were pulling the strings, they could be somewhat controlled. But now nothing and no one can stop them. They’ve been complaining about not being recognized officially in the Willamette institution. I give it two weeks before I’m gone and some duck named Waffles is the new official mascot.” Blitz continued to glance around throughout the interview to ensure there wasn’t a duck behind him. “I mean they’ve already shown what they can do. What do you think happened to the nutria?” Before they could be pressed about what they meant, Blitz spotted a squirrel listening and screamed before running off.
Campus squirrel Max said he and all the squirrels are very pleased about the public reveal. “We think it’s great that the ducks are taking their true places to rule and be worshipped. We look forward to continuing to loyally serve them for years to come.” When asked how the squirrels serve the ducks Max said that while the ducks may stay near the millstream most of the time, the squirrels are everywhere and they hear everything.
Already changes to campus life in the wake of true duck rule have been announced. Goudy Commons will now only serve an assortment of breadcrumbs, ranging from panko to Italian seasoning. Funding has already been approved for numerous duck statues around campus including changing the architecture of the chicken fountain, as well as a picture of the ducks for every single on-campus office, classroom, bathroom, dorm, common room, etc. His most supreme excellency, Orion the duck, said they will immediately institute new on-campus jobs of chasing away the geese who sometimes are spotted on campus. There will also be a new class required for every Willamette student to take: Duck Worship. According to Orion, one plan that will remain the same is the continued expansion of Willamette and mergers with other schools so the ducks can “reach as many students as we can.”
Boots, the Collegian’s duck mascot, is very excited to take on his new role as the permanent Editor In Chief of the Collegian. Boots has already announced a few changes: A section completely dedicated to the ducks, his final say on everything starting with this article and a policy to “stop asking about the nutria.”
Willamette can certainly look forward to a new era under its brave and adorable new leaders, the ducks. The community has always enjoyed the ducks so it should take naturally to recognizing the ducks as their overlords, bowing each time they pass by the millstream and chanting praise at the start of each day. It would be best for the community if it does.