Scheuppe Scooper
Contributor
Not David Flanagan
Students and faculty alike were dismayed yesterday when the President of the University announced a rather complex system of class taking next semester. President Abraham Fish announced via email yesterday that, “Due to ongoing litigation surrounding Willamette’s use of Zoom brand software and Zoom’s unreasonable demand that we pay them on time - in the midst of a pandemic, no less - I regret to inform you all of what classes are going to look like next semester.” President Fish went on to explain that while the University will be returning to in-person classes and no longer supporting distance learning, students must still operate Zoom software while in class, and faculty must make all their classes available on Zoom.
Third year student Feleste Cerguson weighed in. “It’s hard enough to deal with people unmuting right now. Imagine what it’s going to be like in person! Why don’t we just lie to Zoom? Are they watching us?”
When the Collegian approached the administration for an update, we were faced with an unpaid intern named “Job.” Waving his hands in a calming motion, Job noted, “Of course we have the money. I don’t know who’s saying we don’t have the cash but I guarantee we do. We have the shmoney. Just not here. What are you, a cop?”
Faculty feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. Professor Mike Easter went on record as saying, without a hint of irony, “Truly, there’s not an easier software to work than Zoom.”