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Exciting New Option for Incoming First-Years

Skeet Starr

Sports Editor

A lucky first-year's new home 1986. Photo from Willamette Archives

President Thorsett has opened the discussion about a new position for one lucky incoming first-year, referred to only as the “Time-meister.” Information about the “Time-meister” role has been under wraps, but leaks early in March revealed details related to “three timely riddles,” as well as a “cloak of infinite hands” to be worn by a lucky first-year student. Now with the complete roll-out of the time-meister program in a recent “Words from Waller” email, a clearer picture can be seen.

The time-meister will live for the duration of the school year (including breaks) at the top of the clocktower in a “secret chamber.” The meister’s responsibilities will include but are not limited to: time keeping, bell ringing, time manipulation, spells, ancient chants, curation of the time jewels, smiting those who step on the plaza seal, defense against time deviants and the teaching of a colloquium course titled: ǐ̴̬n̷̠̮͝͝ḑ̷̥̑͋̌̿î̸̲͖̮͊f̴͈̼͚̻͝f̸̗̤̦̦̋ĕ̴̜͕̦̔͆̀͠r̵̟̈́̀̅e̵̟͈̾̐͊́n̵̜̮̩̽͆̌͒ç̷̲̲̘̇̃è̶̢͎͚͜ ̶̞̮̪̖̓̀͝.

While according to Hatfield librarian Gary Klein all of the above responsibilities have historically been divided between the office of admissions, the RHA, and Bon Appetit food service, the President’s office mysteriously claims the time-meister has long been a staple of the Willamette experience. “The first-year time-meister is a Willamette tradition as old as...well...time! I didn't do something with NASA, just for some two-bit journalist to question my knowledge of the time-meister or his three timely riddles, or the clock tower's secret goddamn chamber!" stated an irate President Thorsett, unprompted. He went on, “The underclassmen have plenty of housing options, maybe too many! Next you’re going to be barging into my office hour with questions about the role of the olden bridge-keep, or the voices in the roots, or the dark riders of forgotten truths!” After intense questioning Thorsett claimed that if any first year wants more information about said mysterious campus roles, they should select “Mill Stream Cavern,” “The Pod of the Unborn,” or the “Stables of a Thousand Curses” when looking for housing options on their Bearcat BnB page.

In an official email from the President’s office, a secretary assured The Collegian that there will be no parking or housing shortage next year (despite this not being a topic of questioning), and that any confusion surrounding the more mystical first-year campus housing roles must surely be a result of the pandemic.

Time-meister selection is set to begin in June with the “sacred uttering of the three timely riddles” by the old astronomer himself. Good luck, participating first-years!

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