Chrissy Ewald
Staff writer
By Jake Procino.
In an unexpected new development to the ongoing merger between Pacific Northwest College of Arts (PNCA) and Willamette, the committee in charge of the merger announced today that PNCA will be joining Willamette in Salem more literally than previously planned: PNCA’s campus will be rolled to Salem on logs, turning southbound I-5 into a veritable Skid Row.
“We really like the PNCA buildings—they’re so beautiful and perfect for hosting arts programs,” explained committee member Bruce Wayne. “It would be a shame to get rid of such great studio space. Unfortunately, the distance between the two campuses is a real problem. We looked at the numbers, and we got some feedback, and we came to the conclusion that the merger would be more successful if we could find some sort of fix the distance issue,” Wayne said. “Luckily, we had just the solution. Instead of WU coming to Portland, Portland is coming to WU.”
An investigation into possible reasons behind this sudden change in merger policy yielded the possibility that pressure from the Oregon timber industry may have had a role in the decision-making process. “Well, it will require a metric shit ton of logs,” said a source who prefers to remain nameless for their protection. “So that’s good for business. The entire enterprise is bonkers. It’s like it was designed specifically to use logs, with the reason for doing so made up post facto.”
Moving a building onto the Willamette campus using logs has precedent. Gatke Hall, in the northeast corner of campus, was rolled to its present position down State Street in a process that took six months. Wayne seemed confident that the process of moving PNCA’s campus the 50 miles from Portland would take much less time, though he was cagey about the details. “Let’s just say the weather machine is one of a variety of tools we have at our disposal,” he said, and refused to offer further comment.
PNCA’s buildings will begin transit this summer and arrive sometime within the next century. Classes will continue within the buildings while in transit, using portable generators and the power of positive attitudes. “Students can expect a period of transition,” Willamette administrator Miles Morales said. “This transition period could take anywhere from, oh, a couple of weeks to literally eternity. You know how these mergers go.”