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Admin threatens to send naughty students to Reed College

Crisp. E

(Definitely not Chrissy Ewald)

Wailer and Gnasher of Teeth

Graphic by Crisp E.

Willamette administration announced today that starting April 1, a three-strike system will result in troublesome students being “involuntarily transferred” to fellow Northwest Five member Reed College. The new policy is in line with Willamette’s updated motto, “Hey, at least we’re not Reed.”

Following years of student activism and clashes between students and administration over equity, transparency, and justice issues on campus, this new policy signals that administration is shifting towards outsourcing its relations issues. “Frankly, we’re tired of dealing with you,” said Willamette’s Dean of Intercollegiate Relations Mallard McDuck. “While Willamette is committed to hosting a diversity of opinion and fostering civil and academic dialogue, some of you are so annoying, like, Jesus Christ.”

McDuck also said that the new policy is part of Willamette’s ongoing strategy of resource-sharing and increased collaboration with other colleges. “We’ve done mergers, we share classes, we share and we have students attend classes at other schools--sharing students is the obvious next step,” they said. “And, besides the obvious benefits of reducing our workload and stress levels, we feel this will really foster a sense of community spirit between Willamette and its local peer institutions.”

A press release added that administration feels students with an activist spirit, penchant for graffiti, love of decision making by committee and habit of clashing against authority would fit in better at Reed than at Willamette. The press release also noted that Reed students displaying too much interest in law, business and “devil’s advocate” arguments in political discussions would be involuntarily transferred to Willamette, because the school really can’t afford to lose students without getting suitable replacements.

A sophomore told The Collegian that she sees this as a good thing. “Willamette sucks,” she said, “but I don’t want to go to all the trouble of transferring my credits and reapplying. Such a hassle. But now, all I have to do is yell at administration and trip some people in Jackson Plaza, which I was going to do anyways, and I’m free!”

A junior was also thrilled by the new policy, rubbing his hands together as he said, “I agree with the administration that some of my peers are headaches. I frankly can’t wait to see some of them taken away to Reed.” When asked if the junior was planning on causing certain students to be transferred he laughed and replied, “I won’t need to. Want to join my betting pool?”

Administration assured worried parents that involuntarily transferred STEM majors would have plenty of enrichment at Reed’s “zero risk” student-staffed nuclear reactor.

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