Alan Cohen
Staff Writer
During their regular daily campus patrol earlier today, Campus Safety encountered an unprecedented security abnormality; all items in one of the community fridges remained in place, suggesting a lack of food thieves.
“This is something that none of us have ever experienced in our whole careers. We usually expect Goudy boxes, pizza slices, and pastries to disappear from residence hall shared fridges,” stated the Campus Safety Director, who also commented that the university will soon be utilizing an emergency protocol designed for unusual cases like these. “We have to respond to this situation firmly and quickly, as it has disrupted the usual life of residents. We will soon be interviewing all students to investigate who is guilty of not stealing others’ items,” Fresh concluded.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has issued a $50,000 reward to those who provide information on the suspect who has not stolen any items from the community fridge.
Shortly after arriving on scene, Campus Safety determined that the food items in the community fridge belonged to Al E. Gator (‘25). “When Campus Safety called me and informed me that nobody had stolen the items that I had left in the community fridge, I could not believe it. It is the first time in my college experience that this happens,” Gator stated. “I had plans to have to scramble back to the store for a midnight snack, but no, now I have to eat the pizza rolls I already bought. We must investigate and prosecute whoever is responsible for not stealing my food,” he concluded.
While an investigation is ongoing, students are left with uncertainty as to whether other kitchen items will continue to get stolen. “None of us will ever live to see a single item not get stolen from our community kitchen,” one student commented. “I heard that in the 1970s someone left a bag of pop-corn in a residence hall kitchen and it was still there the day after. Could you imagine that nowadays?” stated another student.
The President of the United States, Joel Barden, stated that “the administration is working tirelessly to investigate the lack of food thefts at Willamette University” during today’s press release.
This is an evolving story. Please check back soon for more details on this unprecedented investigation.