This Week @ Willamette
(Definitely Not Kathleen Forrest)
Star of at least one Admin’s nightmares
Welcome back to This Week @ Willamette! Here’s a summary of what totally happened on campus this week:
Students report 100% satisfaction with University Administration, based on survey conducted by admin.
Nerf Club President was deposed in a coup that lasted five minutes. The President was restored to power after the Treasurer and Vice President realized they would have responsibilities without her.
WEB announces a new event, called “Awkward Silence,” in Cat Cavern next Friday.
The Collegian conducted its 41st annual ritual sacrifice of a journalism effigy. Afterwards, staff celebrated with wine, margaritas and takeout.
Goudy announces a table will now be reserved for President Stephen Thorsett. President’s office hours to be held there going forward so that he can drown his sorrows in ice cream.
The typo in the Toilet Paper you’ve been staring at for a month still there.
University spends $5,000 on fancy hats for the ducks. Proponent for campus Community Emergency Response Team (CERT) program, which would cost the same amount, “can’t even be mad.”
ASWU Senators revolted, with Senator Goose organizing a separate, competing meeting. ASWU Exec shrugged and left when no one showed up.
Athletics department announces new sports team for Rage Cage, predicts high turnout for tryouts and games.
Facilities workers seen putting table in millstream ahead of April Fools Day, Admin denies manufacturing quirky moments for prospies.
College Democrats was disaffiliated after an expose uncovered the club was involved in a CIA-backed religious extremism and voter fraud scheme.
Willamette receives “Most accessible campus ever” award. Hangs it on a broken elevator door.
Goudy Commons to try out new duck dish.
Students notice a decline in duck population on campus.
“Imagine a world where the Bistro is open at 1am,” a senior said to a sobbing sophomore.
Goudy serves green eggs and ham; surprised to learn it was Dr. Seuss Day
Following The Collegian’s acquisition of KWU, a panicking Toilet Paper set a soapbox and microphone out in Jackson Plaza.
Panhellenic Council and Interfraternity council announce rebranding to “Roman Life.”