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  • Alan Cohen, Staff Writer

Willamette hires new dean of deans of deans



ORIGINAL ART: DO NOT STEAL!!!

On April 1, 2024, Willamette announced the creation of a new administrative position, the dean of deans of deans. The new dean of deans of deans, Daniel Danielson, is now in charge of the three deans of deans who are subsequently in charge of all of the deans at Willamette.


Danielson brings fifteen years of experience to the role, the last nine as the dean of all-nighters at Bikini Bottom University. “I got tired of supervising so many students spending all night studying without being productive at all. I wanted a career change, and Willamette offered me the best position I could have asked for,” he said. 


Danielson’s new responsibilities include training, supervising and periodically meeting with all deans of deans to ensure their respective deans are meeting their yearly goals and expectations. He commented that the creation of this new position comes after 34 new deans and two new deans of deans were hired last academic year. “We started having so many deans that not even their supervisors could handle the work, so the Board of Trustees created the position of dean of deans of deans and offered me the role.”


The new hires at Willamette include the dean of baby nutria, who supervises the populations of baby nutria on campus, and the dean of wacky Yik Yak posts, who is in charge of educating and correcting the behavior of students who post stupid and outrageous messages on the popular social media platform Yik Yak. 


Jackie Jackson is another one of the new deans hired by Willamette and is currently the youngest member of the university administration at 25. Her new position, dean of members of the administration with extremely long titles that not even themselves can remember, is in charge of helping the institution come up with the longest possible titles to give new hires. “My job at Willamette is crucial and I am flattered that I was chosen among all the candidates,” Jackson stated, adding that “the trick is to add words that sound cool and meaningful to administrative titles, like learning, success, community and service.” 


For instance, Jackson came up with the name of one of Willamette’s most anticipated hires, the dean of student success in community-building projects and sustainability procedures among community members invested in service opportunities and developmental learning when no other deans with extremely long titles are available to manage such projects. Michael Michaelson, who now holds this position, stated, “I have absolutely no idea what my job entails, but it sounds cool as hell. My title was initially going to be longer, but Jackson had to make it shorter because my computer would crash every time I tried to create a Gmail signature,” Michaelson said in an email. 


“Cheers to a new beginning and a more productive school year. Let’s hope in several years I can be promoted to dean of deans of deans of deans,” Danielson concluded.


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mparsonskf
02 abr

Nice story. How many Deans are there now? Sounds like a lot of people but how are the students benefitting from these new positions? How much money do they receive? Is there pay coming from the money the students pay for education?

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