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Campus Safety finally catches Turkey

A Concerned Duck

(As dictated to Willamette Duck Watch Proprietor, Kathleen Forrest)

Graphic by Kathleen Forrest

On April 1, 2022 Campus Safety announced that they had finally bested the turkey that has reigned terror on campus since mid-February, marking a tremendous victory for safety on campus.

The trouble originally began Feb. 15 at 2:15 p.m. when Campus Safety received a report of a suspicious person/activity on campus. The original report read that, “An officer observed an injured wild turkey walking behind the Campus Safety building. The Department of Fish and Wildlife was called and they stated that they had a team in the area actively looking for this turkey. The team was not able to capture the turkey, and the turkey left the campus area with the team pursuing it.”

It’s believed that the injuries of the wild turkey were sustained during the pursuit of Fish and Wildlife rangers, as they attempted to capture the turkey for questioning regarding its connection to a murder most fowl.

Willamette student and local of Massachusetts (a state overrun by wild turkeys ), Polly Vishner said, “Turkeys are aggro motherf***ers, they fear nothing, walk around in large gangs and generally take over neighborhoods. Look, they’re protected by law in Boston so even though they’ve been known to attack cars and mailmen, nothing is safe from them but they are safe from you.”

But following the heroic and tedious efforts of Campus Safety, Willamette is safe from this particular turkey… for now. It is unknown what containment methods are being used on the turkey, and Campus Safety has refused to reveal its location citing concerns that the aforementioned ‘gangs of turkeys’ may try to bust them out.

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