Psilocybin mushrooms outside Gatke hall disappear; culprits at large
Not David Flanagan
Campus Safety reported yesterday that the well known patch of psilocybin mushrooms (psilocybe cubensis) growing outside of Gatke hall has gone missing. “We’re just at a loss for how and why someone would stone heartedly eliminate this most natural of resources,” reported Campus Safety Officer Dean Falco. “Our motive remains unclear. Our list of culprits includes anyone at the school. If you or anyone you know find a large clump of dirt with mushrooms in it, for instance stashed in a locker or sitting in a desk drawer, contact Campus Safety immediately and we’ll handle the situation.”
Second year Thor Thunderberger weighed in on his dismay at the events that unfolded. “I’m just baffled, positively baffled, why anyone would go through all that work to defile one of Willamette’s most sacred sites. It almost makes you feel that, well, anyone could be the vandal, you know?”
In unrelated news, the studio art and philosophy departments have received an uptick in the number of auditors. More information to come as the story develops.