Jake Procino
News editor
and Sam Johnston
Graphic by Jake Procino.
Willamette’s Vice President for Finance Danny “Diamond Hands” Valley announced today that the Willamette endowment has lost millions of dollars after shifting toward a highly leveraged position in GameStop call options ($GME). The price per share of $GME skyrocketed from $17 to a high of $480 in late January, but has since plunged back down to below $200, rendering all of Willamette’s long positions well and truly “bjorked.”
Valley said that they wanted to join in on the short squeeze frenzy, “We just wanted the endowment to go to the moon! We were only following the sage advice of renowned finance wizard u/DeepFuckingValue.” Valley is holding out hope though, projecting $GME’s long-term price to be well over $1000 per share, “The squeeze has not yet squozen.”
When asked if putting the endowment in such a leveraged position was sound risk management, Valley responded, “That’s fucking boomer thinking, GTFO!”
The endowment will now shift to investing in low-risk assets such as foreign exchange futures and Dogecoin.