Emma Innes
Nerf Queen
The finest dining on the west coast, Willamette University’s pride and glory Goudy Commons has received four Michelin stars. The news was announced by carrier pigeons sent to every class in progress when administration received the news.
The award came after representatives from Michelin spent a day eating at Goudy. The Collegian confirmed that this day was not a Bearcat Day or parent weekend. Though this revelation has increased confusion on campus. The representatives ate Goudy classics such as the scrambled “eggs”, ham and cheese on croissant, spanish rice, spa water, and one of Goudy’s famous salads.
In a press conference where he shouted down from a window in Waller Hall, President Stevie T. (also known as Steve Thorsett) announced that to celebrate, Goudy would host a feast featuring classics and favorites such as celebration loaf, lots of fish dishes, oysters, hot dogs with seaweed, pineapple and jalapeno pizza, and more! Thorsett added that since Goudy is so amazing and well liked, the University is planning on keeping Kaneko closed forever to help cut costs. To help students deal with the loss, the University will erect a small memorial in Jackson Plaza to Cat Cavern, Montag, Kaneko and long Bistro hours.
While Willamette staff have appeared thrilled, the student body has responded with questions and scattered noises of shock. These questions include one senior who stared blankly before asking “Am I in the Matrix? Or hell?” One first year that got caught in a net The Collegian placed in Jackson Plaza to interview people started crying upon hearing the news, saying they wanted their mom. Another student simply responded, “How?” before following up with “Does this mean the old self serve sandwich station won’t come back?” with a quivering lip.
A note slipped under the door of The Collegian office announced changes coming to Goudy going forward. First, POG will be the only drink choice at all meals. In response to the feedback from the reviewers, Goudy “eggs” will be served at every meal, the pasta station will disappear and pineapple will be added to the spanish rice. Additionally, students will be randomly selected to eat lunch with President Thorsett so he doesn’t sit alone.
The ducks upon questioning simply continued wandering around, living majestic lives.