Salem Sticker Patrol: F*ck Farley’s Man Bun
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are the individual staff member’s own, and do not reflect the perspectives of the Collegian staff as a whole, nor the view of the Collegian as an institution. Some of these stickers contain graphic or potentially offensive content and reader discretion is advised.
Welcome back to Salem Sticker Patrol! For the uninitiated, Sticker Patrol is an ongoing series here at The Collegian documenting ephemeral public art in Salem, inspired by Jas Keimig’s [Seattle Sticker Patrol] series over at Seattle’s alternative weekly paper, The Stranger. I took my camera from campus to downtown Salem and then, in a desperate bid to find reasonably-priced, used Britpop CDs, all the way to Portland. Desperate times (only one record store left in Salem after Ranch Records closed in 2019) call for desperate measures (taking the connector bus to—to Port—Portluhhhhhghg— sorry, my gag reflex is activating. Seattleite born and bred—it’s my civic duty to bully Portland and its people).
Per my self-imposed organizational system, the report is divided into two sections: general interest and political. If you see a cool sticker around Salem (or in Portland, I guess), take a photo and send it to me at <ceewald>!
The Portland Dispatch
Thanks, buddy! Or should I say, butt-y… no, I shouldn’t. Spotted from the street on an interior pillar at [Powell’s City of Books], aka the best thing about living in the Pacific Northwest.
…our ability to have sex with aliens? If space travel counts as a technology, I think tech creates, rather than destroys, opportunities for alien sex. Just my two cents. Big win for all you alien lovers out there—the future is yours.
Portland Dispatch: Politics
“I Hate Cops”
Spotted on a restaurant near Voodoo Donuts. I had to give up on donuts because the line was so long, but I ended up at a cafe with a robot barista, which is somehow more Portland than their most iconic fried dough joint.
“F(uck) D(umb) C(ops)”
At the risk of making this joke too many times, I would prefer not to!
“Be Kind” Pac-Man
Are we all both Pac-Man and Pinky, attacker and attacked, capable of destroying and being destroyed? What I’m saying is, do be kind, and value the kindness of others when it’s extended to you.
Is this our beloved Golden Man? I can’t tell if that’s an axe or a metal detector.
“you are beautiful”
So are you, anonymous stickerer! I think this is still on the footbridge near Goudy.
This is just adorable. More of this kind of thing, please!
“Bigwig Donuts” Philippe de Courcillon
Portland doesn’t have a monopoly on donut shops: Salem’s own [Bigwig Donuts] advertises its donut-hole trade with pictures of what are, indeed, big wigs. This appears to be the wig (and visage) of Philippe de Courcillon, an officer and author from mid-17th to early 18th century France, the time and place of the most outrageous wigs in European history. He is famous for a diary he kept from 1684 until he died in 1720, chronicling court life in Versailles.
It’s a-weed… a-Mario… I’ll stop.
“Do Not Penetrate”
I don’t know if my editors are going to let me keep this one. Editor’s Note: … fine.
“Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty -Anne Herbert”
Anne Herbert was a journalist and author in Northern California known for this quote and for the quote “Libraries will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no libraries.” I don’t know what a senseless act of beauty is, but I’d like to find out!
“Saint John and the Revelations”
[SJatR] is a teeny little Pacific Northwest band of the softly sung, plucky acoustic type with a little Christian rock flavor. There’s an IPA microbrew named after their song Kumbaya Supernova, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know. I recommend the song “Mercy.”
Another local musician, this time out of Turner, OR, [Nacrelli] is a country guy who loves his mama. He sings, plays guitar and does proper story-centered country music. Check out his Tiny Desk Contest submission [here]!
“Grand Tea-Tons National Park”
I feel like national park-flavored tea would mostly taste like rocks and pine needles.
“Que es eso??”
I don’t know what it is, Jughead and Betty from Riverdale. I stopped watching your show because I had to ask that question so often. Didn’t Archie just get ritually sacrificed to the town of Riverdale by Cheryl Blossom and her lesbian cult like two weeks ago?
Big Bentleys is Watching You
Our googly-eyes vandal returns! My cousin’s dog looks at me like this all the time.
“you are loved, you are beautiful, you are important” rainbow
Apparently whatever was under this sticker was not loved, beautiful nor important. Oh God, I think it’s a praying Pepe. I think I agree with you, sticker-layer number three.
“Cheers 2 Another Year: #pressplaysalem”
[Press Play Salem] is a magazine that features local arts, culture and food. What I’m more interested in is whether this is a cake shaped like a cassette tape shaped like Oregon, or a cassette tape shaped like Oregon that’s topped with frosting and candles, because one is adorable and the other an abomination.
“Black Lives Matter”
Yesterday, today, tomorrow and always.
Dog in an Alien Costume
Is this just someone’s dog they want to share with the world, or is it a thing? If you know, let me know in the comments.
“I Love You!” and “Have a Good Day”
I love these lil’ guys. The only name I can come up with for them is “tree yetis.”
Psychedelic Spray Paint and Yeti Skeleton
Both of these are by local PNW artist [Jonezy Artwork].
“Love is Love”
“Ted Cruz Likes to Piss His Pants Because He Loves the Warm Feeling Between His Legs”
I’m not putting this in the political section because I think this attack is on Ted Cruz as a private citizen and because I can’t prove that it’s not true.
Puffin Smoking a Cigarette
This lil guy may be dapper, but remember, kids, smoking kills.
Where the Wild Things Are
Hiding in a snail shell makes this guy seem significantly less wild.
“Love is Love” over LOVELOVELOVE over “From Each According to Ability and From Each According to Need”
It’s like a leftist smörgåsbord up in here.
“Private Property: Go Trespassing, Make More Art”
Just keep it legal. Wink.
Salem Dispatch: Politics
Speaking of leftist smörgåsbords, the following eight stickers are all from one streetlight in front of Epilogue Kitchen & Cocktails. Wowza.
“A//E,” Antifaschistische Aktion,” and “Class Struggle x Mutual Aid x Antifascism”
1. Anarchism and… Equality? Evil? … [and a hard-boiled Egg]?
2. Are we in Germany?
3. Yeah okay cool
“Love Cats, Hate Fascism”
Another part of my civic duty!
“When You Punch a Nazi, the Whole World Punches With You”
Except the other fascists, one would assume.
“You are Under Surveillance” and “Big Brother is Watching YOU!”
The left says it, the right says it… why is the fear of being watched so powerful? I’m kind of over it. I watch back.
[CrimethInc.] is a corny-ass self-described “rebel alliance”--what is this, Star Wars?--and “sphinx posing questions fatal to the superstitions of our age.” They seek to promote “crimethink,” which they describe as “everything that evades control.” When my dog chews on my shoes even though she knows she shouldn’t, is she engaging in crimethink? Is she an exemplary anarchist?
Immigrants are welcome in this country, our immigration policies are and always have been horrendous, borders are artificial boundaries, and all of that is changeable through coordinated political action.
“Get Off Your Couch! Clobber Fascism!”
I haven’t heard the word “clobber” in ages. It reminds me of [this] Le Tigre song.
“Form Your Own Antifa Crew”
I don’t know much about Letterkenny, so I can neither confirm nor deny the accuracy of this characterization of its characters.
“No Fences, No Borders”
Is that a bird with a gun? Also, RIP [Borders].
Ok, on to other streetlights.
“Patriot Front: Our Tradition is Revolution”
Can we please get some rhetorical theory majors in here? I’m so sick of these oxymorons. Is it traditional (old, established, accepted) or is it revolutionary (new, subversive, in opposition to current norms)? It can’t be both, babes. Given that Patriot Front are white supremacists, and our country has a long history of white supremacy permeating and poisoning our institutions, I’d say it’s the former more than the latter. Attempting to reassert the power of white supremacy isn’t revolutionary, it’s just violent and awful and against our country’s values of freedom and equality for everyone.
I think you know what I’m going to say here.
The pictured link doesn’t work anymore, but I can give you the [gist]: Marty Heyen is the chair of the Salem-Keizer school board. She is facing pressure to resign over ties to the Three Percenters, a group that some characterize as white supremacist. Others, including Heyen, dispute that characterization, and Heyen said she does not associate with racists. More generally, people have criticized the way she and other members of the school board have handled increased calls for racial justice and removal of police officers from schools. Heyen has said she doesn’t understand the testimony students and community groups have given for years in school board meetings about their experiences of racially motivated mistreatment and negative encounters with school police officers, is unaware of groups who have been at those meetings regularly for years, and says it is not her responsibility to reach out to those groups or individuals. Heyen characterized the criticisms people have leveled against her as based not on specific actions or beliefs of hers but on the fact that she is a conservative Republican. Heyen says she has no plans to resign. I strongly encourage you all to check out the full article from the Salem Reporter linked above, and to VOTE IN LOCAL ELECTIONS.
“Stop Fascism: Resist Hate”
It’s hilarious that the triple arrow, which is an anti-fascist symbol, and the red and black flag, which is also an anti-fascist symbol, are crossed out on an anti-fascist sticker.
“40% of Police Officers are Domestic Abusers”
Well… [sort of]. The percentage is definitely high.
“Where we go one, we go all” is what that stands for. As I said last time, where they all go is to jail.
“Armeanio Lives!: we are dynamite. we are explosive beings with unpredictable reactions.”
This sticker is in honor of Sean D. Kealiher, a 23-year old activist and self-described anarchist who [died] in 2019 after being hit by an SUV in front of the Democratic Party of Oregon headquarters in Portland. Kealiher was known as Anteo/Armeanio among friends in his community. His death has never been solved.
“Fuck Farley’s Man Bun”
My favorite sticker of this patrol is this one, about Portland City Council candidate Brandon Farley, inexplicably found in Salem, where we have absolutely zero say in Portland elections. Maybe Portland ran out of scissors and is trying to recruit further south. There is, to my delight, an [entire Twitter account] dedicated to hating on Farley’s man bun, from the perspective of the bun.