Kaitlin Treehugger
(Definitely Not Kathleen Forrest)
Head-B*tch-in-Charge
On April 1, 2022 Willamette University’s independent, student-run newspaper, The Collegian, successfully staged a non-violent overthrow of the student government, the Associated Students of Willamette University (ASWU). This move follows attempts by the student government to turn The Collegian into a propaganda arm, as well as the newspaper’s own recent very hostile takeover of KWU Radio.
The takeover was achieved using bylaws previously unknown to the members of ASWU themselves and thought to be lost to time by university administrators. There was also a strategic placement of ducks in case a military coup d’etat became necessary to liberate the student body from ASWU’s tyrannical yet benign reign.
Reportedly, members of ASWU were relieved by the overthrow, which helped facilitate its success in the first place. “I don’t even want to be here,” said one senator, “I accidentally walked into a meeting once and now they won’t let me leave unless I complete one full year as a senator.” According to a source within ASWU executive, this is incorrect as a full year as a senator is actually followed by being forced into running either for a judicial position or the exec board itself. “You think I’m here for fun or out of the goodness of my heart?” asked the exec source, rhetorically we think.
After the takeover was officially recognized by the university, Collegian staffers and the now usurped members of ASWU went out for milkshakes. The celebratory/conciliatory milkshakes were funded from ASWU’s budget via student fees, sending the student government into even greater deficit. The ASWU treasurer could not be reached for comment on the ethics of this allocation as they were reportedly busy, “going outside, touching the grass and feeling the sun on their face after so many years in ASWU.”
Pledges of fealty to the new journalistic dictatorship can be submitted in the form of subscribing to The Collegian’s newsletter.