The Devil's Advocate: Edition two

A devil smiles and poses for the camera. Graphic by Basil Allen.

Disclaimer: The Devil’s Advocate is a satirical column that does not reflect the views or opinions of The Collegian. The Collegian and columnist do not recommend the advice and are not responsible for its consequences if acted on.

How can I get the classes I need to graduate when so few are offered per semester in my major?

-Average WU student

My first recommendation is to change majors. If you have a strong attachment to your major, consider changing universities. If Willamette does not offer enough classes in a major, perhaps you are being educated by the wrong institution. Find one that values your courses enough to offer them! If a lack of classes is a universal problem because you are engaged in a dying field, I offer my condolences. Important fields tend to fall victim to premature expiration. Take summer classes for as many credit requirements as possible so you can ensure you can take every single course Willamette offers in your major. Wouldn’t you rather make money, though? Just switch to a performing arts major — preferably at a more expensive college. I promise the loans will pay for themselves after you graduate, as you’ll find a job nearly immediately. 

Goudy keeps changing the tofu recipe, how do I survive this hardship?

-Jazz

Goudy tofu is so reliably bland that I doubt a changing recipe could affect the taste buds much — but either way, you should just cover up the taste. The spices Goudy offers near the utensils are your best bet. Find a combination of spices that is bearable on the tofu and season it yourself. This should work regardless of the supposed flavor of the tofu, as it is generally tasteless. Your unique spice blend should cover up any weak flavor they have offered. 

I'm almost ready to graduate and I have a deep fear of the future … I wanted some [advice] on how to savor the moments I have being so close to [my friends] now instead of worrying about when we will ultimately have to part ways, at least for a bit. How can I be ok with starting over socially in a new place? (abbreviated)

-Scared and Alone

The light at the end of the undergraduate tunnel awaits us all, and I have found the best way to survive is to ignore its all-encompassing brightness. If you would prefer a more concrete solution, you should begin making enemies of all your friends. Some quick ways to do this include keying their cars, replacing their shampoo with permanently altering hair products of any kind, being a bit too honest, or attempting to steal from them. Once all your friends hate you, you’ll be ready for a life alone after graduation, just in time for much of the class of ’25 to leave the state. Once you’ve struck out on your own, you could attempt to make more permanent friendships and hope your reputation has failed to precede you — it probably will.