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All language requirements and use of language in general banned from campus

Harold Stimfred Tenebrarius


Not David Flanagan

Last Tuesday, the Head Dean (and Designated Scapegoat-in-Chief) at Willamette University announced a change to the foreign language aspect of the new general education requirements. In response to reduced foreign and English language faculty at the University, all language requirements, as well as the use of language in general, has been banned from the campus.

Citing “overwhelming scientific evidence suggesting that language is inherently constraining and cannot fully express the relationship of human beings with the world around them,” the Head Dean has removed all language requirements to graduate from the College of Liberal Arts. Additionally, the Dean has enacted a campuswide moratorium on words, sentences, phrases and any distinguishable semantic expression of any kind, insisting that banning language will serve to foster greater understanding and connection between students and faculty. The ban is effective immediately. “Just imagine a world where students aren’t bound by the individual languages they are forced to speak!” the Head Dean told the Collegian after the announcement. “No unsavory jokes, no snarky emails, no awkward silences at the dinner table. Why learn a language and talk with some people when you could communicate with the whispering of the wind, the roar of the waterfall, and the crackling of the fire and talk with all people?”

The ban on language is to take effect immediately. Students are encouraged to implement limiting language in their day to day lives immediately.

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