Emma Innes
Recovering ASWU Sufferer
Everytime the email goes out with a new declaration from Willamette President Steve Thorsett, campus stops as everyone quickly reads the latest Words from Waller. It’s the most anticipated email, with the ASWU Press Secretary’s newsletter closely second.
In appreciation of the messages sent out from Waller, The Collegian has mixed in actual lines from Words from Waller with fake ones to test how closely the student body has studied these works of art.
“The emerging vision of Willamette is an exciting one, and the university we are building will be increasingly important not just for our students, but for the region and the world.”
“As President I have worked to build connections, especially with colleges starting to struggle financially.”
“The weather was Oregon winter-time bleak, but the day was filled with color and music.”
“I know some call me inaccessible, but I am just like you. We take the same risks. We both eat at goudy regularly.”
“The inauguration of a university president is a rare opportunity for students, staff, faculty, and alumni to gather and share their commitment to alma mater and to each other, surpassed in the last ten years only by the 2017 solar eclipse as an excuse for a university-wide party”
“This ten year anniversary once again brings an excuse for a university-wide party, surpassed only by the 2017 eclipse, my inauguration and the end of COVID.”
“In the last ten years, my greatest achievement has been the acquisition of a weather machine, to aide in the falsifying of campus life each bearcat days”
“We were one of the first universities in the country founded to serve all students regardless of race or sex, and we have become known through the work of tens of thousands of graduates as leaders throughout civic society.”
“My fellow community members on this Willamette day, please do not look too closely at our history page. But if you do, make sure not to read versions of our history from anyone other than our page. We know our history best.”
“So please come see me at my office hour and let me know what’s on your mind. It’s fascinating to learn what’s happening on campus and The Collegian’s instagram captions don’t share everything”
“Wealth and character are two very different things, of course, and far more important than the size of Willamette’s endowment is how the income generated by our investments is spent.”
“But for many journalists and politicians, it all boils down to a single number.”
“That number is the amount of ducks on a campus.”