Opinion: From divalicious to purely nutritious, ranking the Blitz Market smoothies

The four smoothie options from the new Blitz Market, outside of Sparks Athletic Center on Sept. 17, 2025. Photo by Patricia Krepel.

While celebrities are no strangers to brand collaborations, over the past few years, a new mode of self-promotion has swept the scene. It’s not enough to have a makeup brand or a fashion line. It’s not enough for your fans to see you or hear you. Now, they have to drink you in. All the it girls have smoothies. The craze first started in 2022, when high-end grocery store, Erewhon, debuted Hailey Beiber’s Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie. Since then, Erewhon has collaborated with Bella Hadid, Olivia Rodrigo, Sabrina Carpenter, Kourtney Kardashian and many others to create a wide array of brightly colored delectably Instagramable concoctions.

One celebrity has been left conspicuously absent from Erewhon’s roster. This blue-eyed, silky-haired bombshell has more star power in one fingertip than all of the Kardashians combined, and yet, Erewhon has still left consumers empty-handed. This icon is more fuzzy than some of their counterparts, but it needn’t give the public pause that they have, well, paws. The Erewhon smoothies sweeping the nation lead us to wonder … what kind of smoothie would Blitz the Bearcat drink? As of this fall, students now have an opportunity to find out at the new Blitz Market in the Sparks Athletic Center for $5.25.

Although I can’t say with confidence which smoothie is Blitz’s favorite, I’ll do my best to inform the public by providing a smoothie ranking of my own.

1. Green Machine

 This smoothie represents an alluring juxtaposition — its appearance implies health food despite its taste primarily implying sugar. The spirulina and agave balance out the spinach as the coconut water and pineapple give the smoothie a tropical summery sweet flavor. The grassy green hue makes the smoothie feel refreshing even before it enters your mouth, and this sensation only intensifies once you begin to drink it. I don’t really eat vegetables or drink water, so I mostly move through the world like a tumbleweed, puttering around dryly, kicking up dust in my wake. For the 45 minutes I was drinking the green machine, I felt a little less like a tumbleweed. I felt my skin get dewier, my muscles more relaxed, my worldview more peaceful. It almost made me want to drink water more often, but water doesn’t taste like pineapple, so it’s less appealing than the green machine. 

2. Chocolate Indulgence

I don’t mean to have a full Karen from Mean Girls moment here, but I did wonder why a smoothie called the chocolate indulgence was white. Nevertheless, I forged forward, overlooking the smoothie’s pale appearance to imbibe its rich chocolatey goodness. I still find it a little bit odd that something so clearly white tastes exactly like a Reese’s peanut butter cup, but the more I drank it, the less I minded. This was the most filling of the smoothies, with a rich, creamy consistency and a strong nutty aftertaste. The first thing to hit me was the sugary, chocolate flavor, but the taste of the sunflower butter lingered in my mouth even after the smoothie was gone. It was like drinking a milkshake, but with a superiority complex. 

3. Strawberry Banana

The great thing about the strawberry banana is you get exactly what you sign up for. I came in expecting strawberry and banana, and my needs were met. This smoothie has a comforting, nostalgic flavor. It calmed my stomach, while playfully invoking the smoothies of my childhood. Strawberry and banana is a timeless combination, one of the few duos I truly believe will stand the test of time. Simon and Garfunkel broke up. Donald Trump and Elon Musk broke up. Even my parents broke up. But I can say with confidence, strawberry and banana will never break up. A classic for a reason. 

4. Mixed Berry

Mixed berry, I must admit, you are not as captivating or show-stopping as your peers, but you are worthy of love regardless. Something need not be attention-grabbing or particularly innovative to be a quality product. To me, that is the experience mixed berry provides. I had a lovely time drinking it. It was cool and sweet, and it did a wonderful job tiding me over between breakfast and lunch. Mixed berry filled my tummy and put a smile on my face, but I just don’t have anything particularly groundbreaking to say about it. 

Admittedly, I do have favorites, but I’d highly recommend all of the Blitz Market smoothies. They’re simultaneously filling and thirst-quenching, nutritious and delicious, accessible and decadent. Drinking these smoothies made me feel glamorous, like an aging starlet who wears huge sunglasses and drives a little bit too fast. I took such joy in holding the straw betwixt my fingers, slurping down the last dregs of frozen fruit conspicuously as if to announce to my classmates, “Don’t you know? I’m a diva. Look, see, I have a smoothie.” The Blitz Market smoothies have all the social status of their Erewhon counterparts, but unlike Hailey Beiber’s signature smoothie, Blitz’s smoothies don’t cost $20!