The Devil's Advocate: Edition 12
Disclaimer: The Devil’s Advocate is a satirical column that does not reflect the views or opinions of The Collegian.
My friends all want to watch scary movies all the time, but I don’t like them. How can I get my friends to stop watching scary movies or should I just give in?
-Scaredy Cat
Dear Scaredy Cat,
You ever seen The Ring? I haven’t, but I read the synopsis on Wikipedia and saw a couple clips on YouTube Shorts, so I’m kind of an expert. Anyway, what you need to do is scour online forums for a ritual to summon a nefarious spirit and bind it to the VHS tape or CD or .mp4 file or whatever your friends are using to watch this movie.
It’ll start off as a normal scary movie, but over time the scenes will mysteriously reflect the trauma, insecurities and phobias of individuals in the room. The lights will flicker, the room will get colder, someone will go to “investigate a mysterious noise” and then just drive home. By the time the ghoul starts crawling out of the TV and telekinetically throwing $200 textbooks against the wall, your friends will be so traumatized they’ll only want to watch musicals and romcoms for the rest of their lives!
The Collegian is not liable for any specter-related injuries.
Help! Halloween is just around the corner and all of my friends are in group costumes without me! It’s so close to halloween and I have yet to find a costume that screams cool, intentional, didn’t put this together in three days baddie? Any suggestions?
-Clueless and Costumeless
Dear Clueless and Costumeless,
Find the most obscure and niche monster possible and DIY your own costume of it. I’m not talking about your Hopkinsville Goblins or Flatwoods Monsters. I’m thinking more along the lines of a weird vampire-like creature that was sighted once in an Eastern European village, which only seven people know about and none of them live in Oregon. Comb iceberg videos and vibe-coded wikis for the kind of thing your New Zealander uncle would make up to scare you when you were eight. Nobody will be able to tell you cobbled it together in three days, because you’ll be the first person in Salem history to dress up as this particular creature.
Now, when you go to the Kaneko Festival or something, and someone inevitably asks what you’re supposed to be, you should be prepared to engage in an extended discussion about the Tunnel Monster of Cabbagetown or something. Memorize the lore of this creature and the general history of the surrounding area. Make some nonsense up to fill in the gaps. Skip out on any midterms you have left. They’re called “mid”-terms for a reason. It’s more important to never run out of things to talk about at a Halloween party. So make sure your costume has a lot of lore that nobody knows.
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