The Devil's Advocate: Edition Five

Art by Basil Allen.

Disclaimer: The Devil’s Advocate is a satirical column that does not reflect the views or opinions of The Collegian. 

Hello devil. How much bathroom mold is too much bathroom mold? I (21) have a sweet little bathroom except for the fact that every time I shower, I look up and see some sprays of fungi on the ceiling. Are these molds growing around my bathroom friends or foe? Do I need to worry about them? About me? What if I go to kill it and it won't let me because it's already in my brain?????? ... moisture …

- Maybe a hallucination of myself?

I think you should look at this mold not as a foe but as an opportunity. Embrace it, and adopt the mindset that this is no longer your bathroom; it’s the mold’s. In order to best take care of your new roommate, it is important to keep the room at the ideal moisture and temperature levels for mold growth. To properly grow mold, you need to have a warm enough climate in the room while also keeping the humidity high, easy to do in a bathroom! As the mold continues to develop, you can start collecting its spores and using them to your advantage. One route that you could take is putting these spores into your enemy's food or friends; the world is your oyster (mushroom). As you continue along this path, the mold will start to make everyone horribly sick.  Having spent so much time working with and studying the mold, this is your time to come forward with a cure. You can make people do your bidding for the cure, or you could choose to be adored. The possibilities are limitless: world domination, people to wait on your every need, whatever you wish.  The only thing to keep in mind is that you are also around the spores and will never know if the mold is slowly poisoning you as well, so maybe buy some hazmat gear.  If you are unwilling to harness this resource for the purpose of world domination, then just summon me, and we can make a little deal.

How do you talk to someone who chronically overshares while trying to seem respectful and interested when in reality you want nothing more than to leave the conversation?

- Georgia, the state

Talking to a chronic oversharer can be a tiring experience; that is why drastic methods are necessary. My suggestion is that whenever you find yourself in a conversation with this person and they begin to overshare, you need to find an emergency to whisk you away. My personal go-to immediate emergency is to act like you are getting a phone call from someone really important. First, you give a horrified look, then ask, “Oh god, how bad?” Make sure to glance a worried look in their direction at this point. Finally, ask, “How much is there?” Then go for the kill, look them dead in the eyes and say, "Do you know anyone with a glue gun? Never mind. Sorry, I've got to go," and leave. If you are asked later, “Oh no, what happened?” You have two options: either go on a long-winded, annoying, hard-to-follow story, or go with my personal favorite and say, “Sorry, I have been sworn to secrecy.” As long as you stand firm, there is no need to balance a crazy story and get caught in a lie. Continue these “emergencies” whenever the person overshares. You can only use the emergency above once; if more than that, it will get suspicious, or just plain weird. The rest of these crises, you have to conjure up on your own. Consider this one on the house.