The Devil's Advocate: Edition Four

Art by Basil Allen.

Disclaimer: The Devil’s Advocate is a satirical column that does not reflect the views or opinions of The Collegian. 

I can’t tell if my roommate is mad at me or not. HELP!

- Chronically Conflict Adverse

In this circumstance, I would just assume that they are mad at you, just to be safe. To rectify this situation, what you have to do is give them a reason to love you. Give them a wardrobe improvement. Put those scissors to good use and bless their wardrobe with your creative mind. You want their clothes holier than Jesus Christ himself.

Right now, in this hellish weather of Salem fall (the soggy layer, mind you), they might be inclined to wear their sweaters. But they have worn that sweater a million times, and it might provide too much warmth. Cut the sleeves off, or maybe even crop them. You also obviously want to cut all their pants into bootie shorts; people aren’t going to the gym to then just show off nothing. Finally, if they wear skirts, turn their long flowy skirts into short skirts, the shorter the better.

The whole point is to show them by cutting their clothes that it is OK to show some skin — really help them reach their hoe potential. Once they come home and see what you did, they will realize how hot you made them with this new upgrade and won’t ever be mad at you again. 

My biggest problem in life is that I always have dishes to do. The stack in the sink is perpetual despite my daily toiling away at it. How do I escape this hellscape?

- Drowning in dishwasher

When in doubt, always leave the work to your roommate. It’s one fantastic solution that should work swimmingly, and your roommate should find no issues with this. If you come to the conclusion that this solution is lacking the flair you desire, we can up the ante. Make it a game. Hide the dishes around your shared living space. Whoever finds them first is then obligated to clean them. By doing this, the dishes will magically disappear. When you inevitably start to run out of hiding places, another excellent option that you could pursue is hiding the dishes under their covers, so they see them before bed. This will definitely help alleviate your dish dilemma, and if you play the game right, you will never have to wash a dish again.