The Devil's Advocate: Edition Six

Art by Basil Allen.

How does one find a date ... I seem to be striking out in the romance department. HELP!

- Romantically challenged

If you think about it, a date is no different from a job interview. Your Hinge profile should be exactly like your LinkedIn. Is your resumé up to date? If you get a match, be the first to respond with three credible references to back up your personality. Lacking relevant experience, however, means you should look for more “entry-level” positions — ya dig? If you end up getting a first interview, timeliness is essential. Understand the company’s values, rehearse answers to commonly asked questions and remember to send a thank you afterwards!

I have a partner and this will be my first time not being single for Valentine's Day. How do I participate in this holiday while not giving into the consumerism of it all?

- Lover boy

Luckily, Valentine’s Day lands on a Saturday this year. That makes it the perfect time to enjoy a night out with the lads. Forget the date that your partner has been looking forward to for months. Valentine’s Day is your opportunity to revel in the bromances you’ve had for a longer time than your partner. You can avoid consumerism by writing wholesome notes and spending quality time with all your friends! A healthy partner will understand this and happily allow you the time you deserve.

How do I find housing off campus?

- A 3rd year in distress

It can certainly be hard to find housing, especially nowadays. But rest assured, the local slumlords will surely have a place for you near campus, if it’s not inherited by other students first. Luckily, I have friends that helped connect me with my place, but if that’s not an option for you, I recommend sneaking into a basement or attic for next year, “Parasite” (2019) style.

After you find a place, there are two options for getting to school: walking or driving. Biking is unfortunately out of the picture, as the Salem black market thrives on stolen bikes. Good luck, Soldier!