The Devil's Advocate: Edition Three
- Caelyn Ochs, Staff Writer
- 12 minutes ago
- 2 min read
Disclaimer: The Devil’s Advocate is a satirical column that does not reflect the views or opinions of The Collegian. The Collegian and columnist do not recommend the advice and are not responsible for its consequences if acted on.
I have a good friend who’s had my back, and she’s really sweet. But she’s been looking like an absolute baddie these days, and lowkey I feel nervous to still approach her these days. I still wanna stay good friends though. Help a buddy out? - Tatooine Local
Now, the solution to this is straightforward. You need to start sending this friend conservative outfit ideas, something that covers the melons, if you catch my drift. You need to convince her that she would look amazing in one of those Amish outfits, and don’t forget about the bonnet — you don’t want to keep getting distracted by her beautiful hair. If this doesn’t work, then you need to carry around a blanket. Every time you see her say, “You look cold,” and proceed to wrap her in the blanket. If her shoulders are exposed, COVER THEM. They are the most tempting feature of all.
How do I come up with an original thought? I am currently working on my thesis, and I am expected to have an original thought on a topic that has been relevant for hundreds of years. How do I add to the conversation without just repeating other people's thoughts and opinions like an academic parrot? - A parrot
Way to tell everyone you don’t know how to abuse substances, Parrot. If you did, you wouldn’t have needed to even ask this. You need to shotgun four of the 16-oz Red Bulls, not the little ones; don’t be a wimp. As a college student, this should be well within your wheelhouse. Once you have consumed this copious amount of caffeine in one sitting, preferably in under 5 minutes, jump into the Mill Stream. The ice-cold water mixed with caffeine should reset your system, hot-wiring your brain to be at its most creative capacity. If you don’t die of a heart attack, the final step is to now stare at the topic and let the idea come to you. The original thought should come as an epiphany floating down from the heavens.
Don’t forget to send in your questions to the form on The Collegian’s Instagram for a chance to receive my fantastic advice.