The Devil's Advocate: Edition 10

Art by Basil Allen.

Disclaimer: The Devil’s Advocate is a satirical column that does not reflect the views or opinions of The Collegian. 

I just adopted a cat over spring break, but he does not have a name yet. What should I name him?

- terrible with names

Naming a cat can be a difficult task, especially if this is your first animal, as this one sets the tone for any future furry friends you might be adding to your fray. If this cat is your first, I would suggest thinking of themes and going from there. Possible themes include: characters from the hit children's movie “Cars” (2006), commonly played board games, verbs or adjectives, and things that go boom in the night. The first two themes in this list will lead to a very cutesy crew of characters living alongside you. The latter half serve as warnings to come.

Going the route of naming your animals after verbs or adjectives is perfect because it provides an automatic cautionary signal to whoever hears their name. Since you have already had this nameless creature for some time, their personality, and all of the odd intricacies of it, have certainly come to light by now. For the last few months, you — and everyone else coming into contact with your cat — have had to find these habits blindly. If you named this cat after one of their more alarming habits (Lick, Stare, Judge, Pant, Scoff, or any variation of such words), future people that the cat comes into contact with will have proper warning. 

A perfect example of these naming techniques lies in the cat that I am currently living with: Squash. His name originated from the fact that his mother, my roommate, found him after he had been hit by a car. With this origin, there are two themes that emerge for any future animals that my roommate might obtain: tragic things that have happened to that animal prior to them being adopted by my roommate, and things you can grow in a garden. In another life, however, I would have named him after an adjective. Specifically: Biting. Because sure enough, if you come into our household, friend or foe, he will be biting you. 

My last suggestion in the list above is self-explanatory and also a precautionary note to any new pet owners out there.