The Devil's Advocate: Edition Seven

Art by Basil Allen.

Disclaimer: The Devil’s Advocate is a satirical column that does not reflect the views or opinions of The Collegian. 

I heard someone mention the 'cat distribution system' offhandedly. How does this system work exactly?

- Curiosity killed what now?

There is an ancient, powerful force that bequeathed us humans with the cute, furry creatures we call cats, short for Cute Animal, Truly. That’s why the Egyptians sanctified them. The Cat Distribution System is a self-sufficient system designed to reach only those who have been deemed worthy. When the time is right, and you have proved yourself accordingly, the nearest cat in need will be deployed to you. It is your duty to adopt or take care of the cat as long as possible for maximum karmic value. Should you fail this destined task, Bastet herself will curse you for a thousand years. 

Note, this is a natural duty which will present itself whether you want it or not, especially in Salem, the city of outside cats. As this has happened to me, I suggest being prepared at all times. Keep cat food and a water bowl in your backpack or car when you go out. And if there’s anyone you dislike who’s allergic to cats, you can save some fur for them too!

How do I save money when I don’t have a job because no one will hire me? I need $700 ASAP

- Broke

Given the political and economic state of the world right now, you may not find a job for a while, degree or not. But the math for this one is pretty simple, actually. All you have to do is divide the amount of money you need by the number of friends and family members you have, then send a couple of pleading texts their way. It’s important to diversify your portfolio. Believe me, this little “favor” works. 

In fact, it’s so successful, you’re gonna have to create a long-term plan. Such angel investors need to be treated kindly. Time your requests and remind them how much they mean to you, besides the money. 

I would consider this a perfectly acceptable way to acquire much-needed cash. After all, governments operate on debt, corporations receive bailouts and many universities rely on donor funding. Feeling bad about asking for money is only a hindrance. Does shame pay the bills?