Hello, Bearcat Fan! A new Collegian executive staff has been hired and soon I myself will face yet another editorial hiring period. Please, loyal reader, to ensure my continued stewardship of the sports section, comment on this article: “Hi, I’m very charming and respectable, but a false step in the case of sports hiring may cause me to lash out and/or make a scene.” Let’s go to the news! Women’s Soccer staked their flag in the center of Corban U’s field and now owns the rights to all of Salem (2-1). NCAA on top! In their first game under Matt Corti-Young, Men’s Soccer headed south to Corvallis to face Oregon State. The Beavs, who took third in the last DI national tournament, defeated the ‘Cats 3-0. Lacrosse pillaged Puget Sound (20-3). Baseball shipped off to the Midwest to take on North Central College and Concordia Chicago. They grabbed two wins of a possible four. Men’s Golf won the NWC Spring Classic, a massive result as they head to the conference tournament. Women’s Golf took seventh at the NWC Spring Classic, then defeated Linfield by a single stroke at the Willamette dual meet. On both accounts, Linfield will again be forced to lay awake at night, dreaming in vain of surpassing our glorious institution. Scores are making their way in for Tennis’ last match-up of the year. The Bruins will be a nearly insurmountable challenge for them. Softball stands on the verge of snatching two wins of three from No. 3 George Fox as of Sunday afternoon. Can we expect a late-season surge? Erica Snyder (‘26) snagged 8th at the NWC multi-event track and field championship. In the world of sport: At UFC 300 Max Holloway knocked out Justin Gaethje with one second on the board, Alex “Poatan” Pereira TKO’d Jamahal Hill in round one, UEFA Champions League quarters are a dead heat and I got a new Jermaine O’Neal Indiana Pacers jersey. Nice! Consider in the coming weeks: Whatever happened to the Dolly Parton plaque which used to hang in Sparks, and alternatively, how much more of this are you going to put up with? I mean, seriously, what will it take? At some point, you have to back yourself ….

Hello, Bearcat Fan! Men’s Soccer has hired a new coach, SCAN is preparing for war with the Athletics Department and sports writers are racing to cover it all as we speak. For my part, a raven knocked on my window seeking respite from the spring rains, so I’ve been trying to teach it to read and regurgitate Willamette sports scores for me. Unfortunately, all he’s done so far is complain about Poe’s reductivity. Let’s caw to the news! The Basecats demolished Pacific in back-to-back games but were knocked out in a similar fashion in game three. Regardless, they are back on top of the conference. Tenley Grant (‘25) knocked on the door of Willamette’s hammer throw record at the Jenn Boyman Invitational track meet, throwing down 158’ 8’’ in the last attempt of the day. Will Hennum (‘25) won the steeplechase, Zoe Heino (‘26) won the 3000-meter and Lecia Sincere (‘25) won the triple jump. The ‘Cats are gearing up for the conference meet. Men’s Golf was sitting in second place as night fell on day one of the NWC Classic. They should be wrapped up by the time this Fast Break hits the site. The Women finished day one at seventh. Lacrosse thrashed Whitman (19-3), then scraped out a win over Whitworth (14-11). Could they finally achieve conference supremacy? Both the Tennis teams had a bad case of the Whitman Blues, failing to find any victory across nine matchups. They fared little better against the Pirates, Pioneers and Boxers. Softball brought one win of a possible four back from the Lutes in Tacoma. They remain ahead of only Whitworth in the standings. In the world of sport: Only No. 1 seeds made the March Madness finals. South Carolina won the women’s division, the men will have a champion by Monday night and here at home, the Willamette Soccer Club hosted the first ever Bearkitty Cup. Consider in the coming weeks: Why did the scorpion sting the frog, and alternatively, what’s it going to take for tennis to start winning?

Usual suspect Whitley Stepp (‘26) took second in the high jump, and the Willamette athletics site reports

Welcome back, Bearcat Fan! While you were galavanting across Europe or pulling teeth at home with your well-meaning but abrasive families, spring athletes were hard at work, often to no particular end. Let’s get back to work ourselves and head to the news! Men’s Golf struck gold at the George Fox Invitational. They surpassed Linfield in the team standings by a mere three points. Women’s Golf languished at the UCSC Invitational. Roberta Moore (‘26) led the ‘Cats but still failed to make par. Baseball ceded conference supremacy to those evil sadists and future IRS officers from Walla Walla. They pulled one win of a possible three from the Pirates, then defeated Linfield twice, but fell in their final (11-inning) matchup. Track and Field is preparing for the conference championships. Whitley Stepp (‘26) and newcomer Steeley Mucken (‘27) chomped at the bit as the ‘Cats charged through spring break. Lacrosse picked up three more wins. They are tied for second in the conference. George Fox still lurks in the farmlands, a black mark on the horizon. Tennis put in a shift, battling it out against four schools each over the break. Both squads failed to find a team victory, however. May our racket-wielding peers gaze upon the oaks that border their court and be reminded that they sprouted from humble acorns. Softball went 2-2 against Whitworth, who stand alone below them on the table. In the world of sport: No. 11 seed North Carolina State danced its way to the March Madness Final Four, and by the release of this Fast Break, LSU and Iowa’s women’s squads will have carried out a championship rematch in the Elite Eight. Consider in the coming weeks: Are you feeling like Travis Bickle in that one scene from “Taxi Driver” where he’s working out and monologuing ominously? Good. Finals are a month away. No more destroyers of your body. Total organization. Every muscle tight.

The waters of creativity once again threaten to breach the banks of the Fast Break Sports Report. Early reports suggest that none saw their shadows and thus winter should be wrapping up shortly.

Hello, Bearcat Fan! The Collegian sports section has been pretty focused on official university athletics recently, so this edition of the Fastbreak hopes to help retain our more fringe readers. Let’s go to the news, and then let’s go to some existential poetry that loosely centers on climate issues! Women’s Basketball lost to Millikin 83-91 in the first round of the National Tournament (see more in print). Lacrosse has a +59 goal differential over three games. Baseball thrice narrowly defeated Lewis & Clark; they remain undefeated. Men’s and Women’s Tennis were starched by the Pios and the Wildcats. Softball took the fight to Tucson and found mixed results. They lost to Dickinson State (4-6), and stalemated Drew over two games (10-2 and 2-9). In the world of sport: When walking in a false and silent summer, I was ambushed by a cougar. As I fell back I thrust my blade through her eye, and lying in the roadway she wheezed and spake thus in dual voices: “When my mother-of-a-thousand-mothers first glimpsed your father-of-a-thousand-fathers floundering on the milky wastes, she whispered jokes and cheerful things to her cubs in the womb about the hairless birds who make aimless noise and have to steal skin. However, when I whispered to my unborn, I spoke of you in the same way I spoke of time and water. You try again and again, and you must do so. You eat as an afterthought.” She continued: “I am honored to have been slain in the old way, in a chance and danger, and not in the inevitability of your feast. Thank you. Please lay me in the bulrushes by the stream that I might feel the heat and trembling of the deer as they come to drink one last time, and may the spring floods, if they come again, wash me into the blue horizon.” I looked in her mouth and saw that all four of her canines had been taken for jewelry. I heaved and dragged and fought and clawed, but the cougar was far too heavy for me to fulfill her wish. That night my garden froze over, and the magnolias, which had bloomed early, withered and lost their scent. Consider in the coming weeks: It’s been almost a year since Joe Biden’s administration approved the Willow Project, and alternatively, is Lacrosse OK?

Hello, Bearcat Fan! The sports section has been jumping at the sight of journalistic shadows that now swirl The Collegian office. Ernie Samora has been hunting ancient relics and weaving a web around the State Capitol. Mary Vickery returned from Sin City and hasn’t stopped brooding over the keyboard ever since. A new writer has made her way onto the scene. Will we get any products out? Stay tuned. ... Let’s go to the news! Lacrosse has a debilitating, pervasive illness, and it seems like the only cure is driving their opponents deep into the ground. They are mechanical, they are ruthless and they don’t care if you have a family. Their goal differential is +98 over five games. Can they topple the Bruins? Women’s Tennis went and did it again in Tacoma, defeating the Loggers (5-4). Men’s Tennis was clear-cut (2-7). Whitely Stepp (‘26) took 18th in the country for high jump at DIII Nattys. The Bearcats showed out in steeplechase at the Lane Community College Open. Will Hennum (‘24) took home the gold while Zoe Heino (‘26) grabbed silver. Simon Kidder (‘24) flew over the hurdles to take third in the 400-meter. Baseball stomped Bethany Lutheran (12-0) in seven innings, but went 1-2 against PLU, their first conference opponent of the year. They have five games this week. The Pioneers trampled Softball over the course of four meetings. The ‘Cats’ losing margins did decrease each game, however. They plan to defend the homefront against a charging Pomona-Pitzer in the coming days. Golf is stirring from its winter sleep. In the world of sport: The Portland Timbers’ Evander silenced those evil, evil people who call themselves the New York City Football Club by way of a stoppage time missile across the 18-yard box. Consider in the coming weeks: Who’s home to you?

The sun is out, the Wi-Fi is questionable and spring sports are now in full swing. Take a break from staring at your screen, ceiling or bowl of Goudy tortellini to peruse the latest in Bearcat sport. Willamette hosted the Women’s Basketball Northwest Conference Championship tournament this weekend. The women faced the University of Puget Sound Loggers, losing 50-70. Seniors Carolyn Ho (‘24) and Ava Kitchin (‘24) put up a good fight, scoring 16 and 11 points with five rebounds, respectively. It was a tough loss, but the Bearcats earned a surprise bid to the national tournament! They will face Millikin in Wisconsin this Friday. Lacrosse demolished Corban in the season opener. First-year Cedric Shaw scored four goals, leading the women to a final score of 22-3. Baseball opened their season with two doubleheaders, hosting Oneonta University from New York. Game 1 Friday ended by mercy rule (13-1). Jeff Hoffman (‘24) impressed with four RBIs, a triple and two home runs, one of which was a grand slam. The second game was back and forth, but Willamette ultimately took the W (13-12). Jackson Garrett (‘24), sports writer for The Collegian, made an impressive stretch to snag an out at first base before ending the game with a walkoff. The men knocked it out of the park again Saturday, ending Game 1 early (10-0) and scraping out Game 2 (8-7). Softball fared similarly, shutting the door on Warner Pacific 9-3 and 6-5 on Saturday. Kenna Davis (‘25) led the team to victory after striking out ten batters. Women’s Tennis served, ate and left no crumbs Friday against the College of Idaho. Anika Groener (‘24) won two of her three sets. Sunday, the Bearcats floundered at George Fox (0-9). Men’s Tennis had a tough weekend, losing Friday at Lewis & Clark (1-8) and Sunday at Pacific (3-6). Consider in the coming weeks: Failure is not a dead end. Embrace failure on your terms, for it signifies your courage to venture into the unknown. Is the world throwing everything at you? Get back up. Resilience is your greatest strength. Are you listening? Even love for yourself isn’t earned. It's a fundamental kindness you bestow upon yourself. You are doing better than you think; every step forward, no matter how small, is a triumph in itself. The more you use it the more it works! Stay Frosty, Bearcats. Today is a new day. Vamos!

Happy Valentine's week, Bearcat Fan! In a desperate bid for validation I tried to hand deliver all 20 of my loyal readers love notes, but decided to abandon the project after getting booby-trapped twice, and then being guilted into attending a four-hour community theater interpretive dance performance. Let’s go to the news! Time stood still this Tuesday when Women’s Basketball’s Elyse Waldal (‘25) launched a three-pointer to defeat the Boxers (50-47) at the death. The ‘Cats kept the party going over the weekend, starching the Loggers (67-57). They will roll into the playoffs as the No. 1 seed. The Men ate a pair of losses including a thriller against Puget Sound to drop their conference tournament spot. Their record currently ties that of fourth place George Fox, however. Is the Lenahan honeymoon over, or does this scrappy squad have a few tricks left? Shock, terror, dread; words that likely describe the scenes from the Logger’s bench as Women’s Tennis battered their way to a highly anticipated conference victory (6-3). Played, some, tennis; words that unfortunately best describe the better part of The Men’s outing (2-7). Keep at it, lads! Men’s Swim capped off their year at the NWC Championships in fifth place. The Women took sixth. Track and Field ran and threw at the Whitworth invitational, leaving with not much to write home about barring what you’d probably expect. In the world of sport: The Chiefs and Team Ruff won “big-time in the football zone,” as they say. Many who were concerned that Taylor Swift would take to the field to endorse Biden after the game were relieved that she did not. Concerned parties received even more good news when they didn't see three license plates containing the number five by noon, which of course pushes the end of the world back to next week. Consider in the coming weeks: Do you hear it? Gabriel has run out of breath and now there’s only silence. Eras Tour! Arrowheads! The horror! The horror …

Starrtent” (as the cool kids are saying) to bring you: Ernie “Erndog” Samora’s Bombastic Fast Break Sports Report

Hello, Bearcat Fan! Happy finals week. Like you, I am shackled by the onslaught of time. Let’s treat this Fast Break like a walking and talking scene on The West Wing and head straight to the news! Douglas College came all the way south from British Columbia just to get worked by Men’s Basketball (89-60). Women’s Basketball succumbed to the talons of the OIT Lady Owls (60-66). In the wide world of sport: Darlington Nagbe and the Columbus Crew won the MLS Cup. Consider in the coming weeks: What in God’s green kingdom is a “Lady Owl?” What’s next? Attack Owls?

Hello, Bearcat Fan! It is a good day to be a Bearcat, and for once I don’t just mean that rhetorically. Our wintry sporting friends went out and sunk their claws into the competition this week, making you (yes, you) look super ridiculous and embarrassed for ever doubting them. Let’s go to the news! Men’s Basketball was broadsided by the Pirates (71-101), but shockingly upset The Blues (91-84) for the first time since 2009. At the start of the season, new head coach Michael Lenahan told The Collegian he was looking to surprise some people. We weren't sure whether to take him seriously or not until now. Women’s Basketball dispatched Whitworth (77-71) before knocking off defending conference champs, Whitman (66-61). With Ava Kitchin (‘24) back, it’s no surprise to us that the ‘Cats are cooking. After trailing by evening on the first day, Women’s Swim took gold at the Bruin Invitational, sneaking past George Fox. The Men held firm to a second place finish. Sports in the world of wide: The USWNT breezed past China (3-0), and many believe the Florida State Seminoles were snubbed as the ‘Bama Tide rolled into the College Football Playoff field at No. 4. Consider in the coming weeks: What’s stopping you from clicking on this column again and again on our website to run the views up and trick my managing editor into believing I’m doing good work? What’s stopping you from doing me a solid, huh?